Cruz Cassidy Ward Hatfield

Cruz's Story

The day I found out I was pregnant with our second child, my partner, Mark, and I were so excited. 
My mind was full of plans for the future from the first time I saw that second line appear.
I immediately started going through our daughters old clothes, shopping for new clothes and looking up baby names.
The future was looking bright with another member of our wonderful family on the way. 
I was so relieved to make it to the first milestone of getting past the first 12 weeks.  Things were looking good, it was really going to happen.  I was surprised at how quickly he was growing, before I knew it I really looked pregnant, everyone commented on how big I was getting.  We made it to the second milestone, the 20 week scan.  Things were good, our baby was perfect and very healthy.  Then the sonographer gave us the best news…. IT’S A BOY!  We already had a little girl at home, so this was just perfect.  We were going to have the perfect family, and be the envy of everyone!  I also knew how much Mark wanted a little boy, and I could already see him making plans of taking his son out motorbike riding, and teaching him how to play football.  Everything was wonderful, life was beautiful.  Then we had to get to the next milestone, 28 weeks – the third trimester….. Sadly we never made it.  I was 24 weeks pregnant when I came down with a strange random stomach bug going around.  I was vomiting heaps and couldn’t hold any food down.  I decided to go up to the hospital because I was afraid I would get dehydrated.  The doctor checked Cruz out and his heart was beating fine, and said that it was no big deal and I would recover in about 48 hours.  A few days later I realised that I hadn’t felt our boy move all day.  I didn’t worry because I kept myself very busy with my daughter, Holly.  So I figured that I probably just didn’t notice that day.  The following day I noticed that he still hadn’t moved.  The day after that I decided to go to the hospital and get checked out.  Cruz’s heartbeat was beating away fine, and the nurses said that he was probably just having some down time.  Another couple of weeks passed and I still hadn’t felt him move, I knew in my mind that he was not having down time, and that something was wrong.  I went back up to the hospital, hoping that they would tell me that he was fine and was just a quiet baby.  The nurse discovered that his heartbeat was dropping and coming back up, then dropping again.  She kept and eye on me for about an hour and tried moving me to every position there is, hoping that Cruz was just sitting in an awkward position.  I got sent down to ultrasound where the sonographer had one look at the screen and then ran to get the doctor.  The doctor quickly told me that there was no blood passing through the umbilical cord and that Cruz’s only chance was to be delivered right now.  I said “He is going to die isn’t he”…. The doctor reassured me that they have saved babies at a younger gestation than 27 weeks before and to just wait and see.  I was rushed in for an emergency caesarean, and Cruz was born.  I had to be put to sleep during the procedure.  When I awoke the first thing I said was “Is he alright?”.  The nurse said he was alive.  I later found out he died at birth but was given two heart starters and came back to life.  Cruz was then transferred to Brisbane hospital, I got to see him before he left but I was so out of it from the morphine that it is all kind of a blur to me now.  The following day we went into Brisbane to see him, expecting that he would be fine.  When I first seen him  I couldn’t believe how tiny he was, but he was damn cute.  The neurologist called us in and said “Its not good news I’m afraid”…. We were told that 1/3 of Cruz’s brain was severely damaged.  At the very least Cruz would have severe Cerebral Palsy and Epilepsy.  He told us that he could probably learn to breath on his own but all we could expect in the future was to have him sitting in a chair with no mind or mobility, having fits all day.  He then told us our other option – we could withdraw treatment and let him go.  The following day the neurologist came to speak to us again, he told us that Cruz had deteriorated overnight, he now had a big blood clot and holes forming in his brain.  The doctors also told us that they couldn’t say for sure what happened to Cruz, but they knew that the damage was 3 weeks old, so it seemed likely that the stomach virus I came in contact with attacked him and compressed the umbilical cord.  We then decided to let him go.  As much as we loved him we couldn’t put him through a life of pain for our own selfish needs.  At 8pm that night we turned off his breathing apparatus, and we got to see him without all of those tubes in his face and arms.  He was beautiful.  We held him, talked to him, and kissed him for 5 hours.  Then he was gone.  He took his last breath and he died in my arms.  I then handed him to Mark and we cried harder then we've ever cried before.  But all of a sudden the numbness kicked in and we couldn’t cry another tear, our bodies wouldn’t let us.  The first week was filled with tears, tantrums and deep depression on my part.  My milk came in and I was in horrendous pain from the caesarean.  On top of my grief I was so angry that I had to suffer physical pain as well.  Mark stayed asleep most of the time, I think he preferred to just be unconscious so he didn’t have to feel the pain.  The funeral was four days later and the service was beautiful.  We had a party following, and just for the afternoon I allowed myself to have a good time.  It felt good to smile again.  Although Mark and I have a big scar on us for the rest of our lives, we know that one day we will smile again.  And we know that Cruz is in a place full of smiles, and that he is getting spoilt rotten.


Letter to Cruz
To our sweet little guy Cruz,
You were only with us for such a short time and we are so grateful for every single second of it.  Although our hearts are broken and filled with such deep sadness, there is still happiness in that we got to meet you, hear you, hold you, smell you and love you.  As your mummy and daddy our job is to try as hard as we can to shield you from pain, and the only way was to let you go, to make you an angel and to send you to be with all of your family in heaven.  As our son we hope you help to shield our pain from losing you.  We would have taken such great care of you, and your big sister Holly would have been great fun for you to play with… Please stay with us and watch over us as we need to feel you near, and know that we love you so much and miss you dearly.

Goodbye Sweet Cruz

You were conceived with love
Nurtured with love
Born with love
We held you with love
And you died with love

You had a job to do and you did it, and we will make sure that the work you did does not ever get undone.  We will love you and think of you always.  Until we meet again….

Love Always
Mummy and Daddy
XXX OOO



Silent Footprints


We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother. He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child, The child we never had.

But now you're gone.. but yet you're here. We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy. There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had, And yet will have forever.


My Boy


Whatever dreams you follow
However far you fly
You’ll never be alone my son
on earth, or sea or sky

My heart will travel with you
‘till all your dreams are done
Then guide you safely home again
My child, My boy, My son