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The Compassionate Friends
Brisbane Newsletter

April May 2008

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Our Day ...A Very Special Day
Vera Babb, TCF, St Louis, USA, 1992 TCF, Qld, 1995

One day ... A very special day. A day that is set aside to honour all mothers.

“Mother” - a beautiful word. What other word could you use to best describe giving birth to, nursing, loving and caring for a tiny, helpless human being - a gift of life to treasure? But weren’t we taught that once you gave a gift to someone, you should never take it back? What went wrong? Mine was taken away from me. Does that mean that I wasn’t worthy to be a mother, that I was failing, that I didn’t appreciate the gift?

The gift was too precious to be given for keeps. It was only loaned to me for a short while. Even in my sorrow, I feel special, for I know the true meaning of the word mother. I have reached the ultimate, from the joy of birth to the sorrow of death. I belong to a special group who truly know the meaning of the word mother.

Would I not have accepted the gift if I had known the terrible loss I would feel by having it taken away from me? NO, I would still hold out my hands and accept such a precious gift, for to love and to cherish - even for a short while - is worth every tear.

This year on Mother’s Day I’ll shed my tears, but let them be as a soft summer’s rain - a rain that nourishes the earth - tears that heal and cleanse my heart.
Index


Mike's Journey to the Great Barrier Reef

On May 14th, 2007 we lost our only son, Michael, in a horrific car accident. The day before, was Sunday May 13th, which was Mother’s Day. Charlie and I rode our motorcycles to my Mom’s house to celebrate Mother’s Day with her and Charlie’s mom, who was also there. Our whole family showed up at one point or another, which is how it always worked at my Mom’s house. She always put out a buffet style meal and everyone ate whenever they got there. Mike showed up about an hour after we got there. He also rode his motorcycle to his grandmother’s house. We were standing in my Mom’s kitchen, and Mike walked in and handed me a pink azalea blossom and said “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!!” I took the flower and looked at it and said, “Hey, what’s this? You just stole this off of Mom-Mom’s bush outside!!!” Mike said, “Well, I’m on the bike and couldn’t carry anything, so that’s your gift.” We all laughed about it and continued to celebrate with our family. About 5pm Charlie and I and Mike left my Mom’s house and went to our house which is about 10 minutes away. The day before, Charlie and I had just tilled our yard and planted all new grass seed. When Mike came in, he went right to the back yard so he could water the new grass seed. Mike didn’t live with us. He had his own house about 15 minutes away from us, but he always ate dinner with us because he was always re-modelling his house and was currently working on the kitchen. He stayed at our house for about an hour, then said he had to go because he had some work he needed to catch up on for Monday. Michael was a real estate title searcher and did a lot of work from home. Sometime on Sunday night, Mike left his house to drive to his boss’s house to drop off some documents that they needed for Monday morning. We are positive that he was planning on returning right away, because the day after the accident, when we went to his house, his computer was turned on and his email was opened up, all his lights were on in the house, he had laundry in the washer and dryer and all his windows were open. While he was at his boss’s house, Mike called his best friend, Jay’s Mom to discuss some problems that Jay was having. They hung up about 12:45am. Mike left his boss’s house and while driving home, called one of his other best friends, Mark, at 12:57am. Mark didn’t get the call, and Mike never left a message. At 1:00 am, something happened. The only thing we know is that Mike rounded a small curve in the road, went up on the sidewalk and hit a tree. His car burst into flames and the car with him in it, was totally destroyed. On Monday May 14th, 2007, our lives changed forever. Charlie and I feel like on May 13th we were living one life, and on May 14th we started living a totally different life. Everyday we open our eyes and its just one more day without Mike. Every night when we close our eyes to go to sleep, we wonder if tomorrow will be the day that we wake up from this bad dream.

Michael was a wonderful, compassionate, forgiving, caring individual who loved life. He loved nature, the universe and the wonder of it all. We always watched all the science shows on TV and talked extensively about global warming and what’s out there, and where did it all come from. He believed that there was something after death, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Mike was totally intrigued by space and time. It was common for him to call up Charlie at 3am in the morning and say, “Charlie, look up in the sky to the west and tell me what you think that light is that is moving.” He was always wondering what was happening in the universe. Mike had big plans for travelling also. He went to Europe for 6 weeks the summer after his senior year in high school and loved it. The Great Barrier Reef was number one on his destination list. He always said, “I want to go to The Great Barrier Reef before it isn’t there any more.” When Mike died, we knew we had to have him cremated. We had talked about things like that, so we knew that’s what Mike wanted. Also, his friend, Jay, told us that Mike always said to him, “When I die, don’t cry for me. I want to be cremated and make sure you have a big party and set off some fireworks!!!” So, we had Mike cremated and the week after had a huge Celebration of Life for him. If was so amazing!! There were over 250 people there!! People who we didn’t even know, who were so touched by Mike and how he lived his life. His friends made speeches about him, and we played his favourite music. Mike was also an accomplished rap artist. He only rapped about positive change. Change in your life, your city, your world and caring about everyone and everything. He was working on his first CD, which was never finished. His friends who were producing the CD, also came to the celebration and gave us music tracks of the songs that Mike had finished. We also played those at the Celebration. One of the producers that Mike was working with actually made a video of one of the tracks for us which we will treasure forever. We also split up some of his ashes for family and friends, and told them to either keep them or scatter them someplace that they know Mike would like.

About 2 months ago, this idea just popped into my head. Why am I not sending Mike’s ashes to the Great Barrier Reef? That’s where he really wanted to go. And that’s when this journey began. I started surfing the internet for some sort of contact with people who have lost a loved one. That’s when I came across The Compassionate Friends website. I contacted the United States Chapter to see if they could put me in contact with someone from the chapter in Australia. All these people who have made this journey possible have been the most caring, compassionate, helpful people we have ever come in contact with. It took about 4 or 5 different people, but we finally heard from Ruth who is actually going to be the one who is going to make this happen. We will be eternally grateful to Ruth and her family and to The Compassionate Friends for all their help. We got all the documents together, along with some of Mike’s ashes to send to Ruth. Attached is the letter we sent to Ruth and also some pictures of Mike that we sent along.

It’s September 26th and Mike’s continuing journey to The Great Barrier Reef is in it’s next faze. I mailed his ashes off to Australia today. Now we are just waiting to hear from Ruth to make sure that she receives them.

Hooray!! It’s October 9th 2007 and Ruth just emailed me to let me know that Mike’s ashes have arrived!! She said she read Mike’s journal entry that I sent her and she was in tears. Ruth is going to get the charter boat together and her friends and will let me know when everything is in place. Thank god…..something else positive to look forward to. When I got Ruth’s email I was so excited, I immediately called Charlie to let him know. But then the whole rest of the day, I was extremely depressed. I’m not sure why. Someone told me once that I need to stop using that word and every time I even think about the word “why” I should replace it with something else. I try to do that but sometimes it just doesn’t work.

It’s Friday November 9th and Ruth just emailed me to let me know that December 2nd, they will be scattering Michael’s ashes at The Great Barrier Reef. Thank God we have something to look forward to other than Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations!!!

I can see that this is going to be one of the most difficult things for me to endure. The decorations and TV commercials have just begun, and already I can’t even stand to look at any of it, or listen to any of it. How we will make it through, I have no idea.

Today, November 26th, Ruth emailed me and told me that a television station in Australia will be covering the story of Mike’s continuing journey! How exciting! I hope Mike knows that he not only got to go to The Great Barrier Reef, but also got to be on TV!!

December 2nd is only a few days away and Charlie and I are patiently waiting and looking forward to what we hope to be a good day for us. Ruth also emailed me today with words of comfort and hope to get through this “ROTTEN” holiday season.

Sunday December 2, 2007………I could think of nothing else the whole day. This was the day Mike’s ashes are being scattered in Australia. I wondered all day if things went well. I read the whole day….”The Disappearance of the Universe” which is a companion book to “A Course in Miracles” which I have been so diligently trying to comprehend. I think there are answers in that book for me, but I haven’t found them yet.

Monday December 3, 2007…..I got to work and opened up my email to find the following letter from Ruth…….I don’t think I have to say anything else. The letter speaks for itself. I cried after every sentence and had to keep coming back to it to finish reading it. I hope it moves everyone as much as it has moved me………

Dearest Jill and Charlie, What a wonderful, uplifting day!!! We have had some pretty rough weather here over the last week so what a joy it was when we woke to a day of sunshine and very flat seas. I think the angels were smiling down. The Bulletin (our local newspaper) was on hand before we left this morning to do a little story. Everyone has been so wonderful and I will email you this story when it goes to print. The staff on board our cat to the reef were all beautiful young men who were so interested in our lives following the deaths of our precious children, something that is not experienced all that often. We showed them photo's of Michael and our skipper suggested that our ceremony would be more personal and private if this was performed from the glass bottomed boat rather than from the cat and the eyes of other passengers. We could not have asked for more privileged treatment. So it was just the eight of us that were accompanied by our young skipper right onto the reef.  I hope the video does justice to the beauty and love in the moment. Michael's ashes were gently blown onto the breeze with rose petals and frangipani' and we were in awe at the display that was created on the crystal blue water. With tears and deep humility, we watched for a long time as the gentle waves carried the precious sight out into the depths of reef. We were all so very moved when our young skipper asked also to say a few words and you will hear this on the tape. He overwhelmed us with his empathy. Sometimes I think we underestimate our beautiful youth and I believe these young men were placed amongst us especially today. We had a guided tour over many parts of the area and saw firsthand the beauty that is this wonder of this world heritage area. We were treated with so much respect and the day held so much honour to your precious son. We will endeavour to get the footage ready as soon as we can. I would love for it to be before Christmas. The television station will be editing the footage taken by our friend on Monday morning (3rd December) so we will also get a copy of this as well.

The crew on board hope that you will be able to make it to Townsville some time as they would love to accompany you to this special site. They have given us a map of the area with the longitude and latitude so you would be able to go right to the area. As I have already said, I was so amazed at the crews determination to ensure Michael was honoured in a way that befits the man you know him to be. Through his journaling we feel we know him just a little more.

Thank you so much for the privilege, you have allowed us into your personal space, there is no greater honour for you have given your most loved into the hands of strangers who have become your friends in the distance. We know your pain. We will hold your hands and hearts in ours for all time. Will write again tomorrow night.

Yours in love & compassion, Ruth (for and on behalf of The Compassionate Friends Queensland Inc. Townsville Branch).

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How to Handle Mother’s Day
Written by Clara Hinton - April 27, 2003

Special days of any kind can be especially difficult for anyone who has lost a child. The first year following the loss of a child is often filled with days of dread and fear when anniversary dates and holidays approach. Mother’s Day is a holiday that is one of the most dreaded holidays of all. A mother grieving the loss of her precious child often spends weeks in fearful waiting of the day, wondering how she will ever make it through.

There is no real way of avoiding Mother’s Day. The stores are filled with gifts made and designed especially for mothers and children. Advertisements for gifts on the radio and in the newspaper bombard us every day for weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Card and flower shops experience their busiest season of the year on Mother’s Day. Reminders of this special holiday are everywhere!

The pain of facing Mother’s Day without a child can be the most lonely pain a mother will ever know. There is an empty ache that becomes increasingly more evident as the day approaches, and there seems to be no way to find relief. It is wise to share these feelings with other family members and friends rather than to avoid the topic. By sharing how you feel, you can alert others to be more sensitive to your needs during this painful day of sad reminders. Sit down with your family and discuss what you would like to do for Mother’s Day. Remember that this is not a time to worry about hurting other’s feelings, but rather a time to make your wishes known.

Remind yourself often that there is no right or wrong way to handle Mother’s Day. Some mothers have found it helpful to go away on a mini weekend trip, totally avoiding any church service, special meals, or family gatherings that will be too painful to attend.

Other mothers choose to do something special in memory of their child such as take a walk to a quiet place, read a special poem, and then release a balloon in memory of their child. The actual releasing of the balloon is known to give mothers a sense of letting go that is quite healing.

Many choose to use Mother’s Day as a special day to plant a flower or a tree in memory of their child who has died. Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother has for her child.

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan to do something that is healing for you, but realise that you will still experience a wide gamut of emotions, and many tears will fall.

Because grief is exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, be sure to eat nutritious food for the day, hydrate yourself with lots of fluids, and allow yourself time to rest and be replenished. Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do!

By planning ahead for Mother’s Day, you have already crossed a big hurdle in your walk through child loss. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is a way of building up a support system that will help you get through the day. Remind yourself often that you will make it through Mother’s Day, and when you do, you will be one step further along in this difficult journey we call grief.

“Silent Grief, A Message of Hope for the Grieving Heart. “ www.silentgrief.com/

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In Loving Memory
of My Beloved Son, Andrew Joseph Caltabiano
5 February 1971 to 31 May 2002

Is it really six years since we lost our beloved Andrew? Have I really lived six years without him? How can this be so, how have I managed to get through six years and still not have joined him? The memories, or nightmares of the time of the accident and his subsequent time in hospital, finally succumbing to his injuries will never leave me for as long as I live. I can still “feel” the terrible pain of those early days and thinking surely no mortal can live with such torment.

But here I am after six years, thanks to my dear sister, my wonderful friends at TCF and my other special friends. It has been a long and arduous road, as we all know and it is only time, much time that helps us to rebuild some semblance of life. We know that life as we knew it will never return and there will always be a piece of our heart that is missing, a void never to be filled no matter what.

In the early days I felt and probably was “different” to others around me. I found it extremely difficult to join in any conversation. I did not begrudge others being happy, I just did not want to be a part of it. It has taken a long and painful time, often making myself do things I did not want to do, to get to the stage I am now. Believe me it would have been much easier to curl up in bed and stay there. I’m sure all bereaved parents have felt the same.

TCF is my lifeline I know that I am not alone and if I want to cry it’s okay. We all give our hugs freely to one another. Now I don’t take life for granted knowing that we can all go at the blink of an eyelid. I am more compassionate, but I do cry easily knowing and having experienced that terrible pain of losing a very, very dear son. I also know that when it’s my turn he will be there waiting for me. Till then I will have to live my life as best I can.

Lovingly submitted by Vera Caltabiano, TCF Qld, Mother of Andrew.


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No Rainbows Here

Gone are the days when life was simple and pure,
The flowers have all faded to black against the landscape of my heart,
Wailing walls are built in my mind,
The counting continues ever downward,
like the spirals of time,
Grey colours my every waking move,
no rainbows here.

Nothing matters anymore,
eating, sleeping, drinking,
That is for others, who have not been touched,
by the Dark Angel of Death.
My life and our lives will never be the same,
Some days I want to die,
and I always cry,
Day after day, after day,
It will never cease,
never ending relentless pain.

Who knew a person could endure so much emotional suffering?
Without flooding out the house and grounds or even the town?
I don’t understand why everyone goes about their business,
When my life ended the day you died!
I will never be whole again;
I will never be the same,
For the day you left this earth you shattered my heart,
It will never be mended or repaired
a large black hole lives there,
Grey colours my every waking move,
no rainbows here.

Written and submitted with love by Roxanne Beetham,
TCF Qld, For Mike 26/4/1989-04/02/2008 (18 years)

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Treasure of Memories
By Jan Marie Gillis, TCF, Qld © copyright protected 20 Feb 2008

Our Angels watched us as we screamed and cried.
Screamed in anger because we had no warning that our children would leave on a journey for the other side.
When their Cuddle Cat died we told them that she now lived in Kitty Land in Heaven.
Little did we realise that our Precious children would leave on their Heavenly journey long before they were seven.
Slowly goose-bumps appear on our arms.
Our sadness subsides and our minds ponder about our children’s beautiful charms.
Our daughter had the happiest giggle which inspired others to have fun.
Our son had the sweetest smile which brightened the hearts of everyone.
The gentle breeze reminds us of sunshiny days and our playful times in the park.
The cicada’s music reminds us of our cherished story-telling times in the dark.
We lovingly remembered our splashing around in the puddles left after recent rains.
We lovingly remembered the cream left on their faces when they secretly ate all the Birthday cakes’ remains.
We touched each photo in the Family Album and tears of happiness trickled down our faces.
Our Angels whispered, “Mummy and Daddy, we’ll send you dreams about us in the Rainbow slippery-dip races!”
“Oh! And Grandma and Gramps and Uncle Bob look after us and they helped us find our best friend, Heather.”
“Oh! And Cuddle Cat and Fluffy, our favourite guinea pig, is here and we all live together”.
Our Angels joined us in our dreams and with morning came a colourful rainbow so We Know We Are Always Together.
These cherished, sweet memories are an irreplaceable treasure which comforts our hearts and we smile whether it’s a sunshiny day or rainbow day weather.
Please know that our Angels always send us signs of hope - we just have to recognise them even if they come in our dreams.

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From Ruth Barker - TCF Townsville
10/02/2008

On the 2nd December 2007, members of the Townsville Chapter, The Compassionate Friends Queensland Inc., travelled to the reef to fulfil the wishes of another bereaved family on the other side of the world. On 14/5/07, Mike Jules Sternberg, lost his life in a car accident not far from his home in Pennsylvania. He was the only child of Jill and a loving stepson to Charlie. He possessed a love of life and journaled his love in a way not often seen in a young man of 27 years. Mike was deeply concerned that this beautiful planet was being decimated and was committed to journeying to the wonders before they disappeared for all time. One of these places was the Great Barrier Reef and upon his death, his parents set about finding a way to make this happen.

In July 2007, Jill made contact with TCF in America. Through the international and national body of TCF, contact was made with the Townsville branch of TCF, Qld, and thus commenced a journey borne out of need and fashioned with the love that only another bereaved parent can offer.

I was humbled that we were asked to take on this role as guardians of something so precious by those who did not really know us. In their grief, Mike’s parents trusted that those who could empathise with the deep loss they were experiencing, would be the ones that could carry their son’s dream to fruition. Their simple wish was for us to take some of his ashes to our beautiful Kelso Reef.

I have always been one to bemoan the technological age as I feel that it has been a factor in the decline of the personal way we communicate one with another but I have changed my views considerably as email has been the only form of communication throughout this venture and without it we would have been challenged in bringing this request to closure in a timely way. It made daily communication so very simple and instant.

Mike’s ashes arrived on our shores in early October. With it we received photos of a beautiful young man, gone from the lives of those he loved, far too soon. Jill sent some readings for the ceremony and a copy of a journal entry. Mike had made in the months before his death. What a remarkable person! He was documenting his love of life and his gratefulness for all he had been given, his mother, his stepfather Charlie, his friends, dogs, his senses, his abilities but above all his ability to believe that every wrong done to him had allowed him to accept the frailties of mankind and learn that forgiveness and love is the only way to a life fully lived.

And it was, that through the process of organising the reef trip, I had communication with some most wonderful people from the cruise company, our television station and our local newspaper to the precious crew on the catamaran.

The weather to the reef could not have been better, I think it was arranged by the angels themselves as the week before had seen some rough seas so it was a real joy to awake to sunshine and flat water.

Our local newspaper was on hand before we left to do a little story in the hope that it might help others dealing with the intense pain following the death of their child. The staff on board the “cat” were all beautiful young men who, for the whole journey, treated us with such care and concern and showed great interest in how we live our lives following the deaths of our children.
We had not expected to be given a private place for Mike’s ceremony so it humbled us when the skipper offered the glass bottomed boat for our private use. We were so very privileged.
So the eight of us, accompanied by our young skipper, Paul, were taken to a spot right over the reef where our ceremony was conducted. We read from Mike’s journal and as Niki’s husband, Phil, scattered his ashes, rose petals and frangipani flowers were scattered onto the breeze to create a moment of awe and wonder as we watched the precious sight into the distance on the glass like sea.
It was so wonderful to have Phil accompany us girls as it is not often that our Dad’s feel at peace in these situations.
I actually think Phil loves us as much as we love him!
Most of us shed tears of humility; that we had been allowed into that which is so very private, so intensely painful for another parent; that they allowed us, out of incredible need, to honour their beautiful son and yet here we were, able to fulfil this simple yet profound request.
Our young skipper was also caught in the moment and he has passed on his message of hope to Jill and Charlie via DVD.

There are many who underestimate our young adults and it was on this special day these beautiful young men showed such graciousness and empathy as they opened their hearts and minds to ensure the whole experience did honour for one of their own.
There is nothing we could say that would convey the depth of our gratitude, we remain forever grateful to those placed on our path this day.
The story edited for the local evening news was exceptional.
Niki and I were made to feel so relaxed making it possible for us to convey our thoughts to others that might be struggling in our community.

In Mike’s death we have received so many gifts; new friends, a deeper understanding of our young when we make the time to listen and ask for their opinions and the assurance that a simple request, when carried through, can make a whole world of difference in the lives of others, not just for his parents alone (although this was our primary goal) but also in the lives of those who were enablers in this process.

From those who were first contacted in TCF to that of the life of one of our newest members, the affect has been profound. Our wonderful Michelle found the journey so hard and almost backed out at the last minute but she believed to the depth of her being it was a journey she needed to take; for she realised that by being able to make a difference in the life of others means that her life now has new meaning, more hope and a clearer vision of how far she has come in her grief work.
It is the simplest things that give back so much and we are all capable of the giving but until you dare to step outside the comfort zone there is no understanding of the positive impact you may have on the lives of others and in turn, on that of your own.
It is not easy but in the sharing of our journey, our pain and our own hopes for the future, we in turn give the newly bereaved the support and desire to take the next breath, the next step on the journey. It has been my experience that the gifts returned my way have been so much more than I could have dreamed possible. It is in the eyes, a glimpse into the soul that I have seen the many tiny flickers of hope, the small window of opportunity in which one witnesses that split second when the newly bereaved parent grasps something of what you have said or done that has them believing again in themselves and finding a renewed strength, if but for the moment. I know for sure that my son continues to guide me on my journey; I just need to be always open for the message.
I have been led into the lives of so many who are hungering for an ear to listen, allowing them to talk freely about their loved child without judgment, arms to enfold them when they need the closeness of another who knows the pain and a heart to hold them close and steady their steps until the time they feel stronger .... A time when they themselves may even find the strength to help another. I dare not think of where I might have been had it not been for the support of my Compassionate Friends ... They keep me strong and give me much love, the very thing on which life is dependant. I just wish that all could know the same depth of love at sometime in their lives.

Thank you does not seem adequate but I say a deep thanks to you all. May you find the deep peace and joy that comes from our companionship one with another.



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My Mother’s Day Gift
By Sharon Swinney ppoa.CANDLELIGHT issue #10

I didn’t think I’d gotten one,
For I’d searched the whole day through,
For that special little gift,
Which could only come from you.

While sitting on the plane,
Flying high with the setting sun,
I realised my little gift from you,
Had been with me all day long.

So many different “reds” I’d seen,
In every shade and hue.
Spectacular colours, that I know,
Could only come from you.

The beautiful colours of the Autumn leaves,
On a cool, crisp Autumn day,
The burgundy, scarlet and crimson,
It just took my breath away.

And the sunset from above the clouds,
Was a wondrous sight to see.
The different, colours, the different “reds”,
I knew it was meant for me.

I even saw a colour,
The same red as your hair.
Oh, the memories which that brought back,
Of the moments that we shared.

I know you must be happy,
For that gift was heaven sent.
I think I’m more at peace now,
Cause I’ve had proof of where you went.

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Suggestions for handling guilt
Theresa S Schoeneck from “Hope For the Bereaved”, TCF Johanesburg, September 1991

If you feel guilty it is helpful to admit it to yourself. It is important to be truthful about why you feel guilty.

Ask yourself what things are bothering you most. Talk over your feelings of guilt with a trusted friend who will listen, care, and not judge.
Guilt should not be glossed over nor pushed down. TALK about your guilt until you can let it go.

Remember that you are human. No one is perfect. There is so much that we tried to do. There are things we did not do. Accepting our imperfections aids us in working out our guilt. Realise that living is a balance of good and bad. Try not to blame yourself for things that you did not know you were mishandling.

Remember there is not always an answer to “Why?” and you do not have to find somebody (yourself) or something to blame. Ask yourself if you want to live with guilt for the rest of your life. Realise that sometimes you are powerless and you can’t control everything that happens.

Forgive yourself and ask the forgiveness of your loved one. If your faith is shaken, try to put your religious beliefs back together, and find comfort in your religion.

If appropriate, try using the “empty chair” dialogue. This technique offers you the opportunity to focus on your guilt, to admit it, to understand it and deal with it. Remember the good times, too.

Try writing about your feelings and thoughts about guilt. Allow your family and friends to comfort you. Learn from your guilt to help the other people in your life. If appropriate, adopt a new lifestyle for the future. From past mistakes you may be able to change for the better.

Consider that your loved one would not want you to continue to suffer from guilt and grief. Try to concentrate on the special times that you had with your child.

Realise guilt is a normal part of grief and should ease with time. If guilt is hindering your recovery, seek professional counselling. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to talk about your feelings of guilt with those who have been trained to help.

Become determined to live life to the best of your ability. Find some purpose or meaning in your life by helping others. Volunteer to help with a support group - in helping others, you help yourself.

Some things are beyond our handling, coping or correcting. Perfect parenting is a role beyond realistic capability. It is helpful to realise you did the best you were able to do under the circumstances. You had no training and by trial and error you did the best you could. A person’s best may vary from day to day depending on life’s other pressures and involvements.

Remember, bereaved parents initially feel guilt but it does lessen with effort on their part and with the perspective of time.

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But it hurts ... Differently.

There is no way to predict how you will feel. The reactions of grief are not like recipes with given ingredients and certain results. Each person mourns in a different way.

You may cry hysterically, or you may remain outwardly controlled, showing little emotion. You may lash out in anger against your family and friends, or you may express your gratitude for their concern and dedication.

You may be calm one moment ... In turmoil the next. Reactions are varied and contradictory. Grief is universal. At the same time it is extremely personal. Heal in your own way.

Earl Grollman, “Living when a Loved one had Died.”
Lovingly lifted from TCF Magazine, Victoria, No 175 Feb-Mar 2008

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Time Rolls On

Whether we see time going by or not, whether we are aware if it is winter or spring, May or June, day or night ...time keeps rolling on.

I remember back to those early days of grief, when time seemed to stand still. Remember looking at the clock, realising that it was 3.00am. And being surprised that it was night time. I remember not knowing or caring whether it was a Sunday or a Tuesday ...

But I did know when it was a Wednesday, I knew it was a Wednesday each week because Wednesday was the day our daughter died.

Everything from that moment on was measured by a different standard of time. At first, we marked time by the hours, then the days, then the weeks. All time was measured by how long it had been since she had passed from our world. Days became weeks, weeks became months, and now ... Months have been years. For us, the marking of time has evolved.

Our family history will forever be divided into the “before ...” and the “after ...” but we have gradually become aware of time again. We keep a calendar, we make appointments, and we schedule ourselves into events and commitments. Once again, time is rolling on.

Jane Ono, TCF, Coquitlam, Lovingly lifted from TCF Magazine, Vic, No 175 Feb-Mar 2008

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Last Moments

Last moments….
Snatches of conversation
That echo across all decades …
Priceless words
Indelibly etched on the heart.
Sometimes
Thoughts were never spoken,
But unexpected sentiment -
A quick embrace,
A silly smirk,
Or joyous laughter -
Reaches through the pain
And warms the heart.
We came too soon to understand
The folly Of harsh words
Or neglected touch,
For who can know which taken-for -granted event
Will become -
A last moment.

Diane N Fields TCF, Westmoreland County, PA—”The Healing Journey”, TCF Oak Brook, IL

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